Thursday, December 4, 2008

Been away in my mind........

Good Lord it has been a while (well for me at least) since I posted, truth is, I'm coming clean here!, for the past 2 months it has been VERY hard for me to hold things together mentally, I suffer from depression & have not felt this bad for years. So I am slowly crawling back to what is my kind of sanity, probably not normal sanity, but mine at least! It has been years since I have been this SAD, the bloody effort it has taken just to get out of bed in the mornings, insomnia at night, crying all day, the hell my family goes through when they see me like this even though I try my hardest to put a front on that I'm happy (which I have realised that is how I have spent my life,) OHHHH to be NORMAL! To make matters worse (god can it get worse) is that my second son, who I love like you would not believe, Ryno was born the day I left my Ex Husband & I had always thought of as MINE, until Noel my Darlin' came along & bought him up as his own & he became *ours*, anyway Ryno & Chloe his GORGEOUS girlfriend are leaving on the 12th Jan to work at the mines, that is going to kill me! Second thing is I have lost my eldest son, we have had a major fall out which will never be repaired, he has not spoken to me for nearly 4 weeks now, & to be honest I do not want to talk to him I am so ashamed & disgusted with him, & NO MOTHER should ever feel that way towards her child! So life has been shit, sad, way tooooooo much but at least I can say I do remember how to smile & mean it, I HAVE managed to clean my house (boy was it a mess!) & the most important thing I am very slowly learning that I am not perfect, I stopped making my wares to sell on ebay because of one customer not paying for three items she bought from me, the lies & excuses she gave me were I now realise just incredible, I stopped doing up the furniture that is cluttering up our garage because I just could not stop painting, I kept telling myself *one more time around & then it will be perfect* but of course it never is *perfect*, well at least not to me! SO there you have it, I have realised I have flaws, major flaws & it is time I learnt to live with it. Easy to say but I am like I said on the road to repair.

So on a brighter note our puppies are now 4 weeks old today, 2 more weeks & they are off to the pet shop, I always get way toooooo attached to them, they are just so cute & will no doubt cry my eyes out, along with the kids when they leave us!

Christmas is fast approaching, I was involved in a *Secret Santa Swap* this year, my first, took me weeks to decide what to make, (again the has to be perfect came into it) but in the end I did a craft I have not done in years & sooooo enjoyed it, have taken photos so will post them when Kylie receives her parcel. God I hope she likes them!

Ok so I have rambled on enough here & have probably put you all to sleep, but OMG do I feel better for having gotten this off my chest, I have felt like I was living a lie not being honest with my illness, disease, madness? call it what you will, so I have bared my soul to you all & hope you will still pop in & leave a comment for me, I really do love hearing from you.

Oh before I forget, thank you so much Mel for including me in your 7 questions, I will get onto doing it in the next couple of day, it really means a lot to me Sweet.

Will take me a while to catch up on what everyone has been up to, but am looking forward to reading what has been going on.

Hoping your Day/Night is being kind to you

Lyn xoxoxo


A Bite of Country Cupcakes said...

Oh Hunny!
You love have the greatest gift intact ...The ability to smile!
Do lots of it!
And realise that you deserve to be happy not just want to be.
You deserve it!
I am the bearer of bad news though as I have recieved a Secret Santa gift Already...Could it be another Kylie??
I wish I was in more as they were soooo Fun.
But you take care and hope that sky is alittle bluer and sun abit brighter tommorrow

our shabby cottage said...

God, Lyn, I wish I lived round the corner to give you a HUGE hug. I can appreciate how you feel - I suffered after my second son was born. My God I have never felt so much like crawling under a rock and staying there. I remember being so angry with everyone that I went out into the back yard, screamed my head off(for all the neighbours to hear) and threw around out outdoor furniture - thank God it was plastic. We still have it, although some bits are broken!!! I got through it but some days I just fell crap for no reason.

And to lose your eldest would just make it all seem unbearable.

I'm thinking of you, Kathryn.
PS. We love you Lyn. XXX

Ali said...

Oh dearest Lyn, you are so very welcome precious. Hope it brightened your day hon. I had no idea you were feeling the way you are. So glad you were able to share this and get it off your chest. Depression is a horrible thing to be under. May your new year be so much sweeter and may you be true to yourself and others that they may be able to share your burden. We really do need each other and none of us can do it alone. Please take care cutie and enjoy what is left of this year if you can. May you look to our Heavenly Father for hope and comfort. Blessings sweety, Ali

Anonymous said...

Ohh Lyn, I wish I was there with you just to throw my arms around you & give you a huge hug.
My father has battled with depression for many years now & I know just exactly what you mean about not wanting to get up/do anything, it's a heart breaking condition that effects everyone involved. But I think you are doing the right thing by telling everyone what's up, use us as much as you need, we have big ears (!!!)& even bigger hearts, so just let it rip when you need to.
The issue with your son sounds sad, I hope for both of you that you find a place that you can both get back on track. I wish your other son & his girlfriend the best of luck with their new adventure.
I am glad to hear that you enjoyed doing your crafty thing for the swap, can't wait to see pictures of what you did.
Sarah xxx

Queen of the Armchair aka dzintrastitcheries said... are so brave to bear all to us... you are in my prayers. I know how you feel about your son's like having your heart ripped out. I happened...but you know what, it will be all right...he will only be a phone call can still keep in touch with him. You take care...Blessing to you, Dzintra XX

The Pink Poodle said...

dearest lyn...i can ONLY imagine what you go through / feel??
I think I am reasonably sane..and I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking what a wanker i have been..what I have said..maybe even posted on my blog site..
I more & more often feel silly/stupid..even depressed??
the good thing is that you have opened up your know us cyber space ladies are out there!!
i shall try to make you laugh!! son..his girlfriend & another friend are off to the AFI awards tonight.. (I personally cannot be bothered getting dressed up to go)!! so i have been "helping" christians girlfriend re makeup...jewellery etc..
MY hubby would laugh if he he ALWAYS tells me how crappy i am with my eye makeup..and I he is right...BUT anyway..kashia looks lovely!! even with my help,.
xx andrea

Cottage Rose said...

awh Lyn
Don`t be so hard on yourself, it is ok not to be perfect, it`s ok to have an untidy house and it`s ok to cry. We are only human, we all have good and bad days but at the end of the day what matters is that you love yourself!
You take care and cheer up and smile.

Gail McCormack said...

Goodness Lyn I felt so sad reading your post, I also felt glad you could share your feelings with us. I don't think there is a "normal" you'd be suprised how many people out there suffer from depression, it must be terrible for you and to top it off you've got family problems, I so hope you and your son will mend the broken bridges, maybe you could plan a visit to Ryno soon, give you something to look forward to.
Sounds like you've been doing lots of positive thinking and are learning to deal with a few of your problems -

Looking forward to seeing what you did for the swap - bet it is BEAUTIFUL!

Sending you lots of happy vibes from down here in Victoria


Anonymous said...

Firstly I must say a big Thank you for sharing what you are going through with us all. My husband suffers depression and it was this time last year that he had a breakdown and we discovered he had been suffering depression for a very long time!
It is a terrible thing depression and more people who suffer from it should talk about it, to get the awareness up! people with depression cannot just get over it and more people need to understand this! It effects the person suffering it, it effects the partners and it effects the kids and other Family members. There is alot of ignorance towards depression so I hope that one day many more people will be able to live with it and hold their heads high and know that they are not crazy and truely wonderful strong people to be able to live and survive with this awlful disease!
Ok Im off my soap box now but seriously I do hope you are feeling better, if you are feeling so hurt by your son it's probably a good thing not to be around him just now. I went through the same thing with my Mother and my youngest brother, I had to take myself out of their lives as they were just poison for me. I doubt that I will ever have a loving realtionship with either of them, my Mother would need to get some serious medical help before I would ever open my heart to her again. LONG story!!
Take care sweetie and please feel free to drop me a line anytime!
have a Wonderful and Safe Christmas!!
Hugs & Hugs

Sophee-a Laroo Bijoux and Sheri too said...


Sometimes we all feel this way.....never been diagnosed but at times feel like my life veers off track.

What an honest post and so hard to do..hope it makes you feel better.

Sending you warm Holiday wishes and to you soon :)

Cottage Rose said...

Hi Lyn
Just dropped by to see how you are?
Hope you are finding the time to smile and are enjoying the lead up to Christmas. It is such a busy time of the year, we all run around like chooks without heads and then it is all over in one day!
You take care.