My Pink & Cream Cottage: October 2010

I am finding it hard to believe it has been over a month since my last post, time has slipped away from me again which seems to have been the story of my life this year. A few months ago I visited a lady who has the gift of giving massages (something I could have every day) & at the same time I guess the only way to describe it is to say *reads your soul*. What was suppose to be an hours visit ending up being 1 1/2 hours & she only managed to get as far as my hips! The moment she placed her hands on my left shoulder she told me she had never in all the years of doing her craft had she felt anyone as tense as I was. As she kneaded away on my back she kept quietly telling me to relax..... I kept telling her this was the most relaxed I had felt in years which to me it was. Maggie explained to me the different locations of our emotions in our body & all the while was asking me questions about *this & that* I do not want to get into details here but by the end after handing me countless tissues which I didn't use, she asked me why it was that I didn't cry..... my answer was simple...... if I started I would never stop! What I hadn't realised was that she had been crying for me... telling me she had never felt so much pain in anyone before.

We sat together later & had a talk & she suggested a buy a book that she felt would truly help me......

Now I have to tell you I thought turning 50 in January was going to make a huge change in my life....... I greeted the new year in in probably the most positive way I have felt in years, told you all the goals I had set for myself & finally believed I could accomplish if not all of them then at least 90% of them. What I do not understand is why it is suddenly nearing the end of October & the total is in fact 0% & I feel worse than I have in years. I have always been a person that has thrived on the company of others, now I realise I have been shutting myself off from friends & family, years & years of hurt, lack of self worth, fear of failure & letting others down, all these feelings are no longer buried deep down where they have always been carefully hidden, tucked neatly away so I wouldn't have to face them, were in fact released that day with Maggie & have been slowly working their way to the surface where they can no longer be ignored. I put off buying the book..... You Can Heal Your Life..... many through fear of what it would bring out in me but realised in the end it was something I needed to do for myself. It sat on my bedside cabinet for weeks & the other day I finally plucked up the courage to open the first page & start reading. I didn't get far that first day, maybe a couple of pages but it was a start. Now I am finding that what is written on those pages is how I have always felt........ or perhaps a better way to describe it is what I have NEVER felt, & that is how to love myself. I have begun to understand now why I have stopped sewing, I never felt anything I made was good enough to sell, gave so much away as I thought even with all the time & effort I put into it it was never good enough......

The biggest thing that made me open to that first page was our son Ryno heading back to Perth after staying with us for 2 months. The day he left I broke down & although everyone tells me he's nearly 25, an adult, you have to let him go, it does not stop the hurt I feel when he steps on the plane or the ache I feel from missing him so much, as his Mother I feel I have the right to feel this way, a week on I do feel a bit better but am still missing him. So I will keep you informed on how I am going & the progress I am making, I believe in this book even though I am only starting the third chapter......... it proves to me I am on the road to recovery by writing this post..... could not have done it a week ago.......